WHAT IF WE HAVE CHILDREN?

WHAT IF WE HAVE CHILDREN?

By Frances Harris

Long after the battle is over, and each of the children has chosen a path in life, it is the reflection by the parents on what happened in those difficult years that provides the questions that follow – what if?  On a T.V. program yesterday I heard that fewer couples than ever are prepared to have children and wondered why?  - Or why not? Each of my children has a personality not like the others, but somehow by pure luck we all managed to get by.

Maybe grandparents will remember Dr Benjamin Spock and his series of books, the first being, Baby and Child Care, 1946. This one had become the new mother’s bible of how to raise the perfect child in the late 1940’s and further on. One of the guiding tenants in the Spock series is that the child should not be spoiled. If a child cries excessively, it should be put in a quiet secluded room and let it cry itself out. Experienced grandmas were still cuddling and rocking their grandchildren to sleep while the parents were away, as they had raised their own children, then when the parents came back, the same child was left to fend for itself in the back room. Spare the rod and spoil the child, was the enduring theme, and some parents even went so far as to believe the more they spanked their children, the better they would become. All this gives me the feeling that children grow up fairly well adjusted in spite of their upbringing, not because of it.

The Dr Spock experiment was shelved and replaced by a new one that came out in varying forms in the 1980’s. Imagine from the 1940’s, a whole generation of people now know they were brought up the wrong way, and they will never be sure if their problems evolved because of their upbringing. So who took the guilt, frustration and the blame for these forays into psychology? - It’s the mother of course. Imagine life before the 1940’s when it was presented as medical fact that if a child went off the rails, it was unquestioningly the mother’s fault. There was little effort put into analysing the problem because the outcome was already decided. It was considered the father did not contribute to the outcome one jot. Good children were a father’s joy and bad ones, a mother’s shame.

I have since come across a book called; Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green, first published in 1984 that provides some clues about what happened next to child rearing. The conventional view had evolved from the 1940’s giving instructions to the mother from a professional, then to ones that ventured into pure speculation of the 1980’s. This book written is an 80’s looks at the personalities of good, not so good and difficult children and gives advice on what not to do to raise them. It analyses and discusses the effects of nature versus nurture and theories on how they might contribute to childhood behaviour. It also tries to pick out the thorns of a rocky relationship formed when a child and a parent are totally unsuited to each other.

The one common quality in this and similar books since, is that qualified authors rarely commit to advice on what a parent should actually do to modify childhood behaviours. They have a few good chapters emphasising consistency and order being the key factors in successful parenting. They focus on theories of what the author thinks went wrong after the event. They offer ideas about what may influence toddler and child behaviour as a guiding light to new parents. Is it any wonder people headed for the hills in a caravan and gave fate a chance in the raising of their children?

Now, in 2013, we have new generations of couples trying to grapple with the important decision whether to build a family, or not to building one. The inconstancies and escalating costs of child care first come to mind in the planning. Most couples don’t have the luxury of extended family members willing to take up the slack when the things go wrong. Couples tend to examine what happened to their friends who have gone into parenthood ahead of them. How often do we see a new mother returned to work just to find there has been - a need based review of positions, where the mother’s job has been either abolished or downgraded? I hear of it all the time. This is a major factor included in the list of pros and cons compiled by couples. Presently there is no Australian legislation strong enough to prove there was discrimination intended.

A sick child can mean a lifetime of poverty from taking care of its needs. Marriages and relationships regularly break up and instantly the full weight of parenthood will fall heavily onto the mother’s shoulders. It can take the next twenty years or so of sorting out the mess before she can financially and emotionally rebuild her life.  Then for some very unlucky parents, at the end of child raising they may find their children declare they don’t like them, and cut the ties.

In the big picture of things, if enough couples decide to opt out of parenthood there are profound economic consequences for countries. Japan is feeling the pressure right now. Governments are going to extraordinary lengths to convince their young people that they should have children. If not, there will be less future tax payers to support aged parents and social services, and this has worried politicians. Despite the Japanese efforts, the population is still decreasing there, and in European countries, in the USA and others. I still recall one of Australia’s past treasurers saying to couples ‘have one child for the father, one for the mother and one for the country.’ There was a baby spike in the population shortly after when the government increased the baby concessions. I think the numbers have since levelled out.

The next point that most potential parents like to consider, is the worry that they could spend their old age alone, vulnerable and sad. When a partner dies, there is likely to be no one in a position to help out. So there I leave the discussion, not judging or being surprised when young couples decide not to have children, and not being surprised when they do. Whatever their decision, I wish them well, and if they do, I can say nothing in this world compares with the joy parents feel when handed their new little person for the very first time.